New Year, New Decade, New Jacko?
Posted by Jacko | Filed under ManChat
Hey guys. Haven’t been on here for a while as I’ve been away visiting family over Christmas, and since then I’ve been putting the final touches to the second volume of The Great Right Hope series, A Fistful of Rubbers, which is now with Zetta Brown, the editor for LL-Publications. Finally, it’s done with, and now I have time for some more blogging and let me start by saying Happy New Year.
Yes, folks, a new year and a new year decade. In April, I will say goodbye to my twenties, too, and say hello to my…erm…thirties, yes, that’s the one.
Shit.
I don’t want to really talk about that. Nope, I don’t want to talk about the future, it only brings old age, boredom, kids playing on your lawn and a life-changing increases in the price of ham, and possibly global warming and shit.
So, let’s look backwards, and let’s take a look at the decade we said goodbye to, the noughties. What happened in the noughties? We (England) lost at a lot of sporting events; terrorism reached sickening heights; Usain Bolt ran really, really fast; and the first ever film about bumming cowboys was released. I ain’t really much cop at history, and I can’t be bothered with researching owt, either, as that isn’t my style. To be honest, I can’t be arsed to talk about the past, as that’s in the past, and the future is the only thing that matters, right?
What I will say, is that on a particular supernatural day in the noughties I experienced, for the first and only time, what can only be classed as divination. Unfortunately, my foretelling wasn’t the kind that would ever bag me a lot of money, or any, for that matter. It would not put me in a position where I could make a difference to the world. My vision came to me when two girls danced and sang (technically questionable) their way on to my television screen. Those Transylvanian girls were cheeky little things, indeed, and they were indeed, The Cheeky Girls.
The cheeky girls hit our screens in 2002 when they auditioned for Popstars The Rivals, and from that came the song, The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum), and even though in 2004, it was voted the worst pop record of all time in a Channel 4, it still got to number two in the UK charts. Number, f***ing two, can you believe that? This country. This f**ing country. To summarise, they’re mum writes their songs; in 2006 they filed for bankruptcy; and in 2007 they had tit jobs.
I was convinced my 2002 prediction would come true, and everything was building up to its ultimate fulfilment. Even up to the end of December 2009, I was convinced that I couldn’t be wrong. I told the world, my friends and loved ones, as a 22 year-old kid, that it was a guaranteed dead cert that one of the cheeky girls would become a porn star by the end of the decade.
And they didn’t!
So the title of this post was “A New Year, A New Decade, A New Jacko?” So is there going to be a new Jacko? Well, probably not; not unless I win the lottery, or someone gives me a multi-million quid book deal, but one thing I will say, is that I predict, that by the end of this decade, by midnight, December 31st 2019, one of the Cheeky Girls will be in porno, somewhere on the internet.
Mark my words.
Tags: A Fistful of Rubbers, divination, England, getting old, global warming and shit, Happy New Year, LL-Publications, mark jackman, Nostradamus, Popstars, porn, sport, The Cheeky Girls, The Great Right Hope, the price of ham, The Rivals, thirties, twenties, UK Charts, Usain Bolt, Zetta Brown
Look-a-likees! Robbie Williams and …The Crazy Frog
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Lookalikees
After pointing out the now glaringly obvious similarity between TV Supernanny, Jo Frost, and porn sensation, Ron Jeremy (blogpost), a few of you sent me other unlikely look-a-likees (tonguetwister, that), and I thought, why not use this blog as a place to share this important and often hilarious knowledge.
If you have any look-a-likees, that you can see, and no-one else can, or just any that will get us rolling with laughter, please drop me a mail at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com Include a bit about yourself and I’ll post it up on the blog. Once I get a few up, I’ll run a competition for the best one.
Zetta Brown, author, and half of the double-act that is LL-Publications, publisher of The Great Right Hope, came up with this unexpected, but highly amusing couple. Robbie Williams, from Take That fame, and The Crazy Frog.
I pissed myself when Zetta sent me this picture. For discussion though:
1) Which one is the most annoying?
2) Which one has the most psychological problems?
3) Which one will live the longest?
4) Which one should go back to the slime from whence they came?
Send me your look-a-likees, people. If you can do your own art work of a combined version of the two, then there will be bonus ponits.
Tags: Jo Frost, LL-Publications, lookalike, mark jackman, porn star, Robbie Williams, Ron Jeremy, Supernanny, Take That, The Crazy Frog, The Great Right Hope, Zetta Brown
Jacko’s First Ever Book Signing
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko: Author
August 23rd saw my first ever book signing in Borders, Gateshead. Book signing, huh? It took a while for it to sink in that I was actually going to do one. Those who have the displeasure of being one of my buddies will know that I started writing to stop playing Playstation. I was putting too many hours into Pro Evolution Soccer 3, and decided to plough my spare time into something a little more constructive, and gave writing a go. Those days are a distant memory: waking up on a Sunday morning with mild alcohol poisoning, vomiting through to four p.m., playing Master League on my PS2, flicking through the copy of Razzle that had mysteriously appeared by my bed, vomiting a bit more until the Chinese opened at six and I could put in my order for chicken fried rice, curry sauce and chips, flick through Razzle once more, and then pass out. When Queen sung the words “Those Were the Days of Our Lives,” I will remember those happy times, and I like to think that Roger Taylor penned those words whilst pulling a quick one to Reader’s Wives, hungover, waiting for his Chinese to turn up.
Writing has turned into something more than a past-time, and I have not played Playstation since, and not just because I bought an Xbox (although that is probably the main reason). What I am trying to say is that I never thought that I would get this far and it all hit home with the book signing. A book signing…that’s what authors do! It was a very surreal moment indeed and I would like to thank everyone who has helped make this possible.
To the book signing! I am still in the infancy of my writing career, with The Great Right Hope only being released asa paperback about four weeks only, so I was certainly not expecting to be greeted with a queue like this:
And I wasn’t.
Nope, I was much luckier than that.
The first two people I met were Jim Brown and Zetta Brown, the husband and wife team behind LL-Publications, the publishing house who are behind big Sid Tillsley and The Great Right Hope, may he bring them lots of money and little hate mail. It was the first time that we had met in person and a great moment. I was lucky enough to be part of a double act, and Ellen Dean was also signing her book, Beautiful Stranger. I’d like to say a big thanks to Ellen who made me feel very much at home sat in front of a store full of people. Ellen gave me loads of hints and tips on marketing as she has been promoting Beautiful Stranger for the last two years and her and her partner Gloria are book promoting gurus! It was very enlightening, and so much fun as they are both as mad as a box of frogs! Thanks to Ellen, Gloria, Zetta and Jim for making it such a fantastic day, and cheers to Peelo for keeping me company in the car.
From left to right, Peelo (the missus), me, Jim (publisher), Ellen, Gloria (Ellen’s partner), Zetta (on camera-LOL)
So what you are all gagging to know is whether I sold any books or not? And the answer is, thankfully, yes. Seven to be precise. Not a huge number, but it was never going to be. It was a great learning experience, and I think it is something that I can build on. Writing really is the easy part. It is the promotions that are the hard work, and I am now learning the craft.
Let me tell you about the first person I signed a book for. His name was Alan, or at least I think it was.
Alan didn’t really want to come and see me, but, like a lioness picking out a sick gazelle, Gloria sensed weakness. She attacked him when he wasn’t expecting it and made him approach me at the desk. I shook Alan by the hand, he asked me about my book and I told him all he wanted to know. No pressure was added by myself, and young Alan asked for a copy to be signed. “Do you want me to sign it to you, Alan?” asked I. “Erm….actually…..no,” he said, shiftily. “I see,” said I, narrowing my eyes, smelling something fishy. I gave Alan the book and he was on his way. I watched him take it down to the tills, and then, he slyly changed direction, and came back towards me. He walked confidently to the bottom of the stairs, just near where I was stationed, and pretended to look upstairs, as if he was trying to find someone. Up he went…and never came down.
The book was found later, dumped on an information stand.
My first ever signing…dumped.
I don’t know where Alan went. Like Keyser Söze, he disappeared without a trace. “The greatest trick that Alan ever pulled, was convincing Borders the book didn’t exist.” There was one exit! He must have leapt out of the window of Starbucks or escaped through the ventilation system. Why did he ask me to sign it?
Alan, if you are reading this, please explain your actions on the bottom of this blog and I’ll send you the book for free!
As an author at a book signing, you also develop another special power: Superman, The Man Of Steel’s heat vision.
People refuse to make eye contact with you, as if you have leprosy or work for N-Power. This old fella was reading my banners and then he slowly raised his line of sight to see me looking at him, and he cowered as if I was a Nazi stormtrooper, and not one of the nice ones. He had to walk past me to get to his interest section, and every time I looked up he wilted, and moved away from me. I think I could have driven him into the sea, like in 300, just with the power of the “Author’s Eye.”
It was a good day though. Book signings are not big business in terms of sales, even for the big boys, but are ways of gaining exposure. People see your name, see your work and then can go back into the book shop later. Borders, Gateshead is the first non-web bookshop to store my book, and that’s a cool feeling, knowing a kind educated Geordie can walk in, pick it up and steal it.
The next book signing for me will be in Waterstones in Loughborough, and hopefully more will come as a result. I’m hoping to visit Borders in Leicester, York and Norwich. Hopefully, I’ll see you at one, and you too, Alan.
Jackman and Dean converse with a fan, a small child and a gothic person.
Jackman signs a book which is not dumped.
“Honestly, the toilets were like that when I got here.”
Special thanks to Ryan, Jane, Norm and Ruth the Goth, for popping in and saying hello! I’m glad you have met my girlfriend, and I hope you’ll finally believe that I am straight.
Tags: Beautiful Strange, Book Signing, Borders, comedy, Ellen Dean, Gateshead, goth, horror, humour, Jacko, Jim Brown, Leicester, Loughborough, mark jackman, Norwich, Playstation, Pro Evolution Soccer, Queen, Reader's wives, Roger Taylor, Sid Tillsley, Team Valley Retail Park, The Great Right Hope, Vampire, Waterstone, Xbox, York, Zetta Brown
Jim Brown, The Man From LL-Publications, Publisher of The Great Right Hope
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews, Jacko: Author
MJ: A big hello to Jim Brown, head honcho at LL-Publications, publisher of The Great Right Hope. Glad to have you here, Jim.
JB: Great to be here! Actually, I half expected Sid to make an appearance. How is the Man of the North doing?
MJ: Sid is battling his way through the sequel, right now. He’d be here, but the Big Man doesn’t trust the Scottish. It’s the kilts. The Great Right Hope hits the shops on 1st August, what was it that made LL-Publications decide to take a chance on Sid Tillsley, Middlesbrough’s most famous hero?
JB: It’s all Mark Jackman’s fault, really. Not satisfied with writing a truly hilarious story, he did insist on keeping up contact, being civil and patient, until eventually he wore us down!
MJ: Yes, ironically, some have referred to me as an annoying prick before.
JB: Seriously, though, it was all down to the humour of the piece. The Great Right Hope is simply an astonishingly funny story, unlike anything we’ve seen. We like “different”, you see? And in Big Sid we have the most unlikely (anti)hero ever in literary history!
MJ: “Most unlikely hero in literary history!” I like the sound of that. Take that Shakespeare, you arse! We’ve got a big LL-Publications author’s day in Geordie-land. Can you tell us a bit about that?
JB: All being well, the cream of LL-Publications (that’s yours truly, editor/author Zetta Brown, authors Mark Jackman, Peter Ashley, Tony McGuin, and colleague Ellen Dean will descend upon the Borders bookstore in Gateshead near Newcastle, UK., for a day (August 23rd) of book-signings, chat, and screaming groupies. We hope to leave with our clothing intact…
MJ: I hope so, too. The groupies are getting a little much, if I’m honest. Tell us about LL-publications, when and why did you breathe life into the business?
JB: I breathed life into writing and publishing after I almost stopped breathing life into myself! Many years ago I suffered a heart condition and was ordered to rest completely until my body had recovered. That meant five months of doing absolutely nothing physically; even walking twenty yards left me breathless and sweating. And so I started writing, out of sheer boredom. Somehow, lord knows why, I found I was quite good at writing smut, especially comic smut. I had several shorts stories published online, and it was while part of an online readers group that two important life-changing events occurred:
1) I started a tiny part-time publishing company, and
2) I met my wife, Zetta
A publishing company is not something that suddenly appears, especially when, like myself, you’re starting at the very bottom of the pile knowing very little about the publishing industry. It’s taken a long time to build, because I’ve kept it part-time while growing contacts and forming good relationships with great authors and other notable people in the industry. With the additional help from Zetta - who is by far the perfect example of “Behind every man stands a great woman” (Her version is, “Behind every man stands a great woman - with an air freshener…”), we have built very steadily in the last two years. We have stuck solidly to our principles of publishing good books. Not everyday light reading, but original, creative, different stories. We love “different”. We could have formulated a plan to publish everything half-decent we received, especially when we turned full-time, but we will stick rigidly to only publishing works we think fit the “original and creative” label.
Nowadays, in addition to publishing full-time, Zetta and I offer services to other publishers through http://www.jimandzetta.com: editing, proofreading, typesetting, and ebook converions.
MJ: You recently gave LL-Publications a brand new makeover. What thangs have you got going on?
JB: We’ve undergone a wholesale makeover this year, with the introductions of two official blogs as well as the revamped websites and an additional publisher and author services website at http://www.jimandzetta.com. The blogs (http://llpublications.wordpress.com, http://logicallust.wordpress.com) already have some fantastic content, and we have some great interviews lined up in the coming weeks from authors and other industry personalities.
MJ: Apart from yours truly, what other authors and titles do you have in your stable?
JB: We have GREAT books and stories, from some of the world’s best genre fiction authors as well as authors you are going to hear a LOT more of - like horror author Ben Larken, whose debut novel we published - PIT-STOP - which won the 2009 EPPIE award for Best Horror; like Sci-Fi supremo Darrell Bain, whose works have won awards left right and centre. He has BARK! and a short story duo published with us. As well as an award, our books have been getting regular FIVE STAR reviews from established reviewers and the reading public. Look out too for our latest release; Peter Ashley’s A HUMAN REACTION.
Also watch out for some stunning books to come, like Mark’s follow up to THE GREAT RIGHT HOPE, Ben Larken’s second novel THE HOLLOWS, an anthology by Darrell Bain, a wonderfully written mystery by M. Millswan, plus plenty more on the romance/erotica imprint.
MJ: What are your long-term goals for LL?
JB: The goals are two-fold: One, is to naturally grow to be a reputable business that can represent authors fully, providing them with a slice of income from royalties they receive, and providing me with a living, of course. Two, is to become known to readers as a publisher of damn good books to read.
Neither one of those is easy. In any economic climate, unless you have that wonderful invention or patent no-one else has, you have to face competition and competition in the book industry is fierce. Readers are simply spoilt for choice, and to build a reputation on both counts requires honesty and integrity. I want authors to come to us to have their books published, and readers to come to buy them.
MJ: If you could give an author one piece of advice for getting their work published, what would it be?
JB: Be professional. As an author, to get your book published you need to deal with professionals, be that publisher a large outfit or a smaller independent. If you don’t, or won’t, be professional in your undertaking, you will quickly find that you’ll be passed by in favour of those that do. Publishers and authors now need to work together with a common goal. That requires team-work, and a professional outlook.
MJ: Cheers Jim. Professional, that’s me all over, baby. Now pull my finger.
Seriously, pull my finger.
Drop Jim a question, or check out the rest of what LL-Publications has to offer on their website.
Tags: A Human Reaction, Bark, Darrell Bain, Ellen Dean, Gateshead Borders, Jim Brown, jimandzetta, LL-Publications, Logical-Lust, Ordinary World, Peter Ashley, Roger Federer is a dreamboat, Tony McGuin, Zetta Brown
