The Next Action Hero (the decline of the lad’s mag)
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko: Author
I wrote this short story after discovering that Men’s Health had overtaken FHM, in terms of sales. Thinking of sending it off to Men’s Health, actually. Worth a shot. They’ll probably conclude that I’m a little bit weird. Anyway, enjoy.
*
It’s Sunday, therefore, I’m hungover. I have to make it through the day for no other reason, other than to survive. It’s likely that I’ll spend the next twelve hours watching television, whilst taking breaks for biological purposes, one for pleasure, and one for discharging the toxic kebab that is currently brutalising my digestive tract. The toilet will become my living Hell, and I’m going to need a magazine for those boring, painful, bloody times…Actually, I’ll probably need a magazine for both biological “necessities.”
I walk into the newsagents. Jimmy the shop owner doesn’t acknowledge me. He knows I’m in a bad place. He witnessed the same performance last week, and the week before, and the…you get the picture.
I fill my basket with junk food: Sugars, fats, e-number things, pig, gristle, Haribo, everything I need to make my waking moments more bearable. Something to read…
I scan the shelves…
Footy magazine – Sky was invented for a reason.
Film magazine – I’m hungover! I want to see shit blown up. I don’t want to read about it, or read an in-depth analysis of foreign crap with subtitles and subplots. Films with “sub” in them mean they’ll be critically acclaimed and borrrrrring…Unless they have submarines in them, blowing shit up.
Gaming magazine – Flashing lights and spinning screens bring forth nausea and the kebab from last night. Reading about them may trigger the same responses.
Porno – I look round the store. No-one I know, and, more importantly no old grannies who’ll tell me I’m going to Hell, again. Romancing the bone does give one the respite from even the most crippling of hangovers, even if it is for five minutes, five beautiful minutes….Nah, too much dexterity required to turn the pages. Internet will bring women, and for free.
Lad’s Mag – Pictures of pretty ladies; a few funny stories and jokes; bit about sport; few film and game reviews; cool articles. A little bit of everything in a neat little package. Sold.
I pick up the magazine and go to see Jimmy. No embarrassment this time after the controversial Older-Bolder-Bitches purchase, last week.
“Hang on,” say I, as something catches my peepers. Men’s Health, I mouth, silently. What’s that? I feel the flab around my stomach and realise that I have never linked the two words together. I scan through the featured articles, displayed, as proud as Pride, on the front of a six-pack.
“Fifteen Flat-Belly Powerfoods,” Is that a sentence?
“Seduce Any Woman-No Talking Required” Free Rohypnol could be useful.
“What works better: Sauna or Steam.” Why would I give a shit about that?
“Jimmy! What’s this all about?” I ask my local provider of magazines, cancer-inducing nutrition, mobile phone top-ups, £6 Bolivian vodka and scratchcards.
“New craze, mate. It’s overtaken FHM for popularity, now.”
“Shut up,” say I, as I flick through the pages of half-naked…MEN! “This is a sausage fest, pal. There ain’t a pair of jugs in sight.”
“There’s usually a bit of tit towards the end,” Jimmy informs me.
I flick through faster than I would the Littlewood’s catalogue when I’m desperately scanning for the lingerie section. Finally, I find flesh softer than the rest of the chiselled muscle that’s on show. I realise that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. “This is rubbish. You can’t see owt as it’s all done shitely, you know, arty, like.” I read out the featured article’s title. “’Make Any Woman Orgasm In Five Minutes.’”
I look up, unaware of the audience. Strange, a middle-aged lady smiles coyly.
“Why would I give a shit about that?” I ask Jimmy as the woman storms out of the shop.
“Watch your language! Even you don’t spend enough on fags, booze and weird porn to warrant scaring away the other customers.”
I ignore him as I read a little more. “’Put an inch on your arms in six weeks.’” Six weeks of doing these…press-ups…sounds a lot of hard work, if you ask me.”
Jimmy sighs, “That’s why you look like you do, and that bloke in the mag looks like he does.”
“Yeah, but he spends all his time looking at himself in the mirror and sweating with other like-minded freaks. I’d prefer to watch action movies with heroes beating up bad-guys, bagging the birds and engaging in the blowing up of shit.”
“You ever thought that ’cos he looks like that, he isn’t watching it on his TV, he’s actually doing it.”
I once was blind but now I see.
“I can get biceps like these?” say I, as I hold up the magazine to show Jimmy a hunk brandishing an impressive set of guns.”
“Why not?”
“I can get these girls?” I ask, with hope in my heart, as I point at Jimmy’s stock of top-shelf publications.
“I guess so, especially the ones in Swinging Weekly.”
“With a mighty, manly physique, can I crush all my enemies with mighty, manly headlocks and then make love to their women, impressed with my manliness and my ability to make them orgasm within five minutes?”
“…erm…sure, why not?”
“How much for this knowledge? How much does it cost to learn the secrets of six-packs, biceps and the female reproductive system?”
“£4.”
“Shit the bed! Give us a copy of Razzle, instead.”
“Come on, now. You look terrible, you haven’t had a girlfriend in years and chances are high that you ain’t going to get another one.”
Jimmy’s right. I’ve been spiralling out of control since she left me. Booze, fags and fast food had taken its toll, and I had destroyed a body that once was…well, better than it is now.
“You’re right, Jimmy. You’re bloody right. But I ain’t doing this for me,” I throw over four pound coins. “I’m doing this for the women…you know, so I can do ’em.”
*
Yes! A picture of Thora Hird, two blogs running.
Tags: action hero, author, e numbers, FHM, Flex, Jacko, kebab, loaded, mark jackman, Men's Health, Muscle and Fitness, newsagent, older bolder bitches, Razzle, rohypnol, short, story, swinging weekly, Thora Hird, top shelf
Nick Tate Has Entered The Building
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews
As you well know, I’m the lead singer in the band, Five Inches of Steel. Admittedly, we don’t write our own music; we certainly don’t play our own music; we don’t sing live; we look crap without make-up; but we do write our own lyrics, which means we ain’t doing too bad when compared to some of the reality-rubbish we get these days.
That’s why I am so pleased to introduce to you Nick Tate, a young musician who has taken the route into music involving working hard, developing his own sound and tapping into his raw talent. I was lucky enough to catch up with the man himself and find out all about him and his, soon to be released, debut album.
Nick, first of all, thanks for stopping by. Why don’t you start telling us about you, and what got you into music.
Afternoon. It’s all a bit random really. Firstly, I come from a pretty musical family. My granddad was a composer and arranger, as well as the conductor for the BBC Scottish National Orchestra. We had his piano sat in our living room at home. Myself and my two brothers were all sat down as seven-years-olds and told we had to learn to play the piano or we wouldn’t be getting any food and that our hands would be chopped off…OK, that’s probably a slight exaggeration, but it was basically a given that we’d all play, because everyone, and I mean everyone, plays something.
That sounds great. The Jackman family didn’t indulge in such culture, although Old Man Jacko told me he threatened Des O’Connor, once.
Hang on - did he threaten Des, or did he threaten you with Des. Both a bit random.
I grew up enjoying a real eclectic set of music, a lot of early jazz, blues and then obviously stuff like The Beatles, Stones and Beach Boys. I picked up guitar when I was about thirteen to play through the Oasis and Nirvana songbook (having become utterly sick of jazz). I always kept it going, not taking it too seriously, but then I totally screwed my back, when I was twenty-one, and kind of found it again. That coincided with a move to London after Uni. and, all of a sudden, I found I had a lot to write about. London’s mental, especially when you’re managing two careers, one that pays the rent and one that you really love, which is music. I started playing gigs, just because I wanted people to hear the tunes. London’s weird because people really don’t talk to each other so for some unknown reason I thought it might help.
Damn straight they don’t talk. The cockneys just ignore you. Dizzee Rascal completely blanked me when I asked him to pull my finger.
Haha - I’m sure it’s not just Grime artists mate. The thought would terrify anyone with a nose. As for the feeling of anonymity in London, it’s weird as I’m from a small town outside Nottingham where everyone knows your business. I haven’t lived there for six years and people still know my business but I think that’s more down to Facebook and my mum. There’s no community in London, although, mentally, people are very much in the same place which is why I find it quite strange. Also, everyone’s on top of each other, all of the time. Ever tried the tube in rush hour? It’s like being in a sardine can…in Hell.
Mentally the same? No other region is deranged enough to say “apples and pears” when they unclearly mean “stairs.” Jesus, what’s cockney rhyming slang for “Stennah Stair Lift”? (Oh, and RIP Thora Hird)
Cockneys were put on this world to confuse people. That’s why everyone wonders what Danny Dyer is actually famous for, because let’s face it, it ain’t his acting, and he looks proper shit-scared on “Britain’s Hardest” or whatever it’s called.
I like the episode where he wouldn’t stay out in the woods, for a night, because he needed a poo. Back to your music, what makes Nick Tate’s sound, Nick Tate’s sound?
I think the jazz influence certainly comes through, as well as blues and rock. F*ck - writing this makes me now think that I play in a jazz/blues/rock fusion band which is a bit worrying! I try and write tracks that people can relate to, whether that’s something that gets you going, or something more melodic. I’ve always wanted to play stuff that sounds, well, good, but is also music that people can understand. Being very musical is also really important to us. I sat down with my drummer, Dom, at the start of this, and we talked about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that it was incredibly important for the musicianship to come through on all of the tunes. Translated, this probably meant he wanted to do a shit load of drum solos, but we’re totally dedicated to making the songs sound as good as possible, both live and recorded, for both our own sakes and the audience. Why don’t you decide? Go to http://www.myspace.com/nicktatemusic where there are a few songs from the album that you can listen to.
Sounds great, my man. Sounds great. What can you tell us about the new album?
Well, it’s called “Turn Into Twilight” and it’s basically about an experience of living in a big city.
Have you written a song about getting black boogers when travelling on the tube? Actually, that would go well to Ram Jam’s “Black Betty”. “Big Black Boogers, bambalam, Big Black Booger, bambalam…”
“Black Booger from the sweat bammalamm”? Nice. There’s a cover right there methinks. As for the big smoke, I find it weird that I’d probably be a different person if I’d moved back home. I guess London or any big city acts a filter to your experiences.
What do you mean by that?
Big cities are pressure pots. My dad always said they’re like sewers, and that big shits rise to the top, but then again he also thinks the best thing to come out of London is the road north. I think living in London leaves you with a thick skin. It’s abrasive, it’s a real assault on the senses which takes a lot of getting used to. The pace is different is well, so I think it’s made me work harder, act less complacent and probably see more opportunities.
How long did it take you to record the album?
It took from December ‘08 to Sepetember ‘09, so close to ten months and was a real labour of love. Balancing day jobs, gigs, recordings and people’s availability is a real mission and often involved getting up earlier, going to bed later and letting a lot of people down. I was really lucky to get picked up by a producer who not only loved the tracks but who had as harsh a work ethic as I do.
So, if I was put “Turn Into Twilight” into my music collection, which artists would it sit well with (assuming I don’t organise my CDs in alphabetical order)?
It’s a difficult one, most artists hate answering this question because it makes it sound like they’ve nicked ideas and their sound from someone else. I’d stick myself half way between John Mayer (but less bluesy), Ray LaMontagne (but less acoustic), Jack Johnson (without the surfboard), The Fray (without the ugly lead singer), Dave Matthew Band (without the random melodies and jazz flute) people like that really. I’d be pretty chuffed if I was compared to any of them to be honest with you. Sorry lead singer of the Fray-you’re beautiful in your own way : )
You’re beautiful too, Nick…swoon
…erm…right…how about I just stick you between Power Ballads 5 and Power Ballads 6.
Nice - thanks for that. Top Gear Driving Anthems here I come….
When’s the album out and have you got any party plans?
The official launch date is November 17th and it’s going out through iTunes. We’ve got 1000 limited editions pressed to sell at gigs and get out to radio stations and all that. The album launch party is at The Green Carnation, 5 Greek Street, Soho, London, on the 17th Nov and we’ve got some great support acts. Failing, that you can get a sneak preview now at www.nicktate.co.uk and there’s the usual info and gig dates and all that stuff on their too.
Lastly mate, fancy joining up with Five Inches of Steel?
Which artists would it sit well with?
I’ll take that as a no.
Tags: acoustic, CD, cockney, Dave Matthew Band, Des o connor, Gig, Interviews, Jack Jones, Jacko, jazz, John Mayer, London, mark jackman, Music, Nick Tate, Power Ballads, radio-friendly, Ray LaMontagne, rock, Stennah stair lift, The Fray, The Green Carnation, Thora Hird, Top Gear, Turn Into Twilight
