COMPETITION TIME! Does Anything Get Better With Age?
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Chewing of Fat, Competition Time
This blog has nothing to do with me turning thirty in April. It has nothing to do with me feeling older, physically, as I’m in the shape of my life, due to a chubby childhood. Nor has it anything to do with a recent issue I had with Virgin Media, which resulted in me writing my first ever letter of complaint. No. The realisation that everything gets worse when you’re older dawned on me last night, when I watched Labyrinth.
Labyrinth is one of the finest films to have ever graced the silver screen. It truly is a magical tale. There’s action and adventure galore in a classic battle between good and evil, supplemented with Jim Henson’s spellbinding diversity of puppetry. Yes, indeed, Labyrinth is the greatest film in the world…
…when you’re six.
When you’re 29, however, Labyrinth is utter bollocks.
I want those ninety minutes back, I can tell you. It was awful. If you’re reading this and saying “Labyrinth is brilliant!” Then I bet you haven’t seen it since you were a kidda…or you are simply…simple. When you’re six, annoying things aren’t annoying. Jennifer Connelly, star of the Hulk and the fantastically original and entertaining Dark City, is hot. Very hot. As a sixteen-year-old actress playing with puppets she is an annoying twat.
The thing I didn’t notice as a six-year-old lad, and I’m glad to say I didn’t otherwise I’d have had a serious messed up childhood, is David Bowie’s cock. David Bowie’s cock is on screen for literally half the film. I don’t want to see David Bowie’s cock anymore. Oh, what the hell, just one more time…
The Thin White Duke’s thin white duke
It just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t full of wonder and magic, it was a bit stupid, a bit boring and a bit rubbish. Labyrinth hasn’t changed, but I have. I’ve got older and Labyrinth has not grown with me. That’s the reason for this blog. I started to wonder if there is anything that gets better with our aging? With every year, things seem to get more serious; time goes quicker; the good ol’ days and our glory years seem further out of reach; more offence is generated from David Bowie’s cock; hair grows in places it shouldn’t and disappears from places it should be; fat is stored more readily; celebrities get younger and less talented; people who you wish found you attractive don’t find you attractive; the price of ham sky rockets; you wear one of them slippers that encloses both feet; you vote; you…
I’ve said enough. I’ve depressed myself. I’m looking to you, the reader, for hope.
And, as an incentive for you to help me, I’m going to offer a signed copy of The Great Right Hope.
Please, just name something, anything that improves with old age and the best answer wins a book (paperback or ebook). Leave a comment below, or email me at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com with your answer. Closing date is 25th Feb (payday!)
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Tags: Competition, Dark City, David Bowie, David Bowie's cock, Jennifer Connelly, Labyrinth, mark jackman, old age, The Hulk, The Thin White Duke, young
