COMPETITION TIME! Does Anything Get Better With Age?
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Chewing of Fat, Competition Time
This blog has nothing to do with me turning thirty in April. It has nothing to do with me feeling older, physically, as I’m in the shape of my life, due to a chubby childhood. Nor has it anything to do with a recent issue I had with Virgin Media, which resulted in me writing my first ever letter of complaint. No. The realisation that everything gets worse when you’re older dawned on me last night, when I watched Labyrinth.
Labyrinth is one of the finest films to have ever graced the silver screen. It truly is a magical tale. There’s action and adventure galore in a classic battle between good and evil, supplemented with Jim Henson’s spellbinding diversity of puppetry. Yes, indeed, Labyrinth is the greatest film in the world…
…when you’re six.
When you’re 29, however, Labyrinth is utter bollocks.
I want those ninety minutes back, I can tell you. It was awful. If you’re reading this and saying “Labyrinth is brilliant!” Then I bet you haven’t seen it since you were a kidda…or you are simply…simple. When you’re six, annoying things aren’t annoying. Jennifer Connelly, star of the Hulk and the fantastically original and entertaining Dark City, is hot. Very hot. As a sixteen-year-old actress playing with puppets she is an annoying twat.
The thing I didn’t notice as a six-year-old lad, and I’m glad to say I didn’t otherwise I’d have had a serious messed up childhood, is David Bowie’s cock. David Bowie’s cock is on screen for literally half the film. I don’t want to see David Bowie’s cock anymore. Oh, what the hell, just one more time…
The Thin White Duke’s thin white duke
It just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t full of wonder and magic, it was a bit stupid, a bit boring and a bit rubbish. Labyrinth hasn’t changed, but I have. I’ve got older and Labyrinth has not grown with me. That’s the reason for this blog. I started to wonder if there is anything that gets better with our aging? With every year, things seem to get more serious; time goes quicker; the good ol’ days and our glory years seem further out of reach; more offence is generated from David Bowie’s cock; hair grows in places it shouldn’t and disappears from places it should be; fat is stored more readily; celebrities get younger and less talented; people who you wish found you attractive don’t find you attractive; the price of ham sky rockets; you wear one of them slippers that encloses both feet; you vote; you…
I’ve said enough. I’ve depressed myself. I’m looking to you, the reader, for hope.
And, as an incentive for you to help me, I’m going to offer a signed copy of The Great Right Hope.
Please, just name something, anything that improves with old age and the best answer wins a book (paperback or ebook). Leave a comment below, or email me at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com with your answer. Closing date is 25th Feb (payday!)
Tags: Competition, Dark City, David Bowie, David Bowie's cock, Jennifer Connelly, Labyrinth, mark jackman, old age, The Hulk, The Thin White Duke, young
Win a Sony E-Book Reader!
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Competition Time
Winning stuff is bloody fantastic.
I’ll tell you something else which is bloody fantastic, and that’s The Great Right Hope. Yeah, OK, so I wrote it, and I’m biased, but there really is no other book like it. It’s about a drunk Northerner who punches vampires in the face. How good is that?
If you haven’t read it then
a) You should have but b) I forgive you.
Actually, it’s for the best that you didn’t as now you can win a £180 quid ebook reader, and all you have to do to enter is buy the paperback or ebook between the 12th December and the 12th January.
LL-Publications are running the competition and you can buy any one of their titles to enter, and you can enter as many times as you like.
Competition details are here: http://www.ll-publications.com/win_a_sony_reader.html
You can buy The Great Right Hope from Amazon. Links to both .com and .co.uk are at the bottom of my webpage dedicated to TGRH: http://www.mark-jackman.com/GRH/GRH_main.php
or buy direct from LL- Publications: http://www.ll-publications.com/greatrighthope.html
Even if you don’t win, you still get to read one of the funniest books in fiction. It’s certainly one of the funniest books I’ve written.
Everyone likes winning stuff.
Picture depicts what Usain Bolt might look like if he won a Sony ebook reader after buying The Great Right Hope.
Tags: Competition, e, ebook, in it to win it, Jacko: Author, Jim Bowen's sciatica, Jim Brown, LL-Publications, mark jackman, paperback, PRS-300, sony, the fastest man on the planet, The Great Right Hope, Usain Bolt, win
BE A DRUNK, BE A WINNER!
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Competition Time, The Great British Pub
Time for a competition, ladies and gents. This is your chance to win an autographed copy of ‘The Great Right Hope‘, published by LL-Publications and also available on Amazon.
This competition is based on the wickedness of alcohol. We all like a drink, from time to time, don’t we? Now and then, there’s nothing wrong with a couple over the recommended daily intake as preached to us by TV heart-throb, debonair superstud, Dr. Hilary Jones. Please enjoy the following tribute to the grandmother’s favourite, in the form of a small, shit collage.
Before continuing, however, I need to contradict my previous statement and warn you of the dangers of alcohol, as preached to us by TV heart-throb, debonair superstud, Dr. Hilary Jones.
That’s actually quite sad. He should be sporting a moustache indicitive of “Bad Hasslehoff.” Not nice at all.
This competition coincides with the release of the paperback version of my debut novel, The Great Right Hope. Other good news to prompt this generosity is that TGRH has turned into LL-Publications best-selling book of all time! Check out LL’s blog for details.
There is a lot of boozing in TGRH, possibly more than any other book in creation, with exception to Jimmy White’s biography. To show you how much boozing there is, here are some interesting book stats for you:
The word “beer” is used: 78 times.
The word “ale” is used: 141 times.
The word “drunk” is used 62 times.
…and the word “wine” is used 0 times. That’s right, ladies. This is a man’s book. Take your emotions and your voyages of discovery elsewhere. This is for rootin’-tootin’ bloody blokes, who like to kick back and chew the fat over subjects devoid of emotions, except rage. Saying that, this would make a wonderful gift for a husband, brother or father, and even though I just said that men are devoid of emotions, that was a lie, and they’d love you forever if you bought a copy of The Great Right Hope for them to cherish.
Back to the competition: Boozing has given me some of the funniest moments of my shortened life. I have had some great adventures with my friends, and we have seen some hilarious acts performed by equally drunken, but more idiotic people. It’s great to sit by the fireside and reminisce with friends about the time ”xyz” stole a midget’s bike; knocked themselves out by heading a frozen chicken; threw up on a girl they were snogging; needed a dump on a night out so squatted down in a field, pissed in their trousers by accident, and, in panic, slipped and landed in their own faeces; had a Xmas eve punch-up with two guys dressed as cartoon characters; had a shoe duel; drank four pots of chili sauce and a pot of garlic sauce; partaken in tramp bukakke.
Someone has put a great compilation video together on YouTube of drunken idiots. The potential drunk driver (innocent until proven guilty) at the end makes me laugh every time I see it!
So how do you win the prize? Well it is quite simple, my friend. I want to hear your drunken stories. The funniest drunken story will win anautographed copy of The Great Right Hope! Closing date is at the end of the month (Aug ‘09). Either pop your story at the bottom of the comments, or drop me an email at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com. I’ll publish the winning entry as a separate blog, next month. Please no names, and if you just want to comment with some drunken banter then it’s all the same to me!
So come on guys and gals, let’s hear of some drunken adventures!
Good luck!
Jacko
www.mark-jackman.com
p.s. I don’t anyone who has partaken in tramp bukakke.
Tags: bender, Competition, Competition Time, drunk, heart-throb superstud, idiot, Jimmy White, mark jackman, Pub, Real ale, The Great Right Hope, tramp bukakke, vomit
Competition Time! Ladies and Gentlemen, LET’S PLAY DDDDAAAARRTTTSSSSSS
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Albion Arras, Competition Time, ManChat, The Great British Pub
I am very conscious of the fact that my last two posts have had elongated words in the title, but come on guys, this is darts, or DAAARRTTTTS we are talking about, here.
In last week’s post, I told you all that I will be saving the British pub, and I am a man of my word. I told you about a local dart’s team, and how The Great Right Hope is planning to sponsor them, all true, I shit you not.
Look, it’s all here: http://mark-jackman.com/blog/2009/04/29/iiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-one/
Therefore, www.mark-jackman.com and www.ll-publications proudly present….
THE ALBION ARRAS
From left to right: Doylie, Matt, Jimmy, Al, Keith (Landlord), Big Ron and Graham. Player bios coming to the website soon.
The official launch party of the Arras was a bit late, but what a crackerjack it still turned out to be. The Arras played the Tap and Mallet, and, in dramatic fashion, the winner of this clash of titans was decided by the last leg, the beer leg, where the whole team plays down from 1001, winner-takes-all, shit-or-bust. The standard of darts was electrifying, which meant it all came down to Madhouse: both teams aiming at double-one, the epitome of accuracy. Between them, both teams managed to miss approximately thirty darts at the desired double until Ian Doyle of the Albion Arras, unleashed hell with a dart that actually went where he was aiming it. The Albion, Loughborough, England, erupted.
It was a fantastic evening. The Albion sells some wonderful beer, and the fans, as well as both teams, took advantage. The atmosphere… words cannot describe the intensity. Well, they probably could, but I don’t know many words. The emotions a man can experience after a night of ale, darts, uncomfortably hot chilli, pool, karaoke and all male company… wow. A picture speaks a thousand words.
Pubs will make you fell, breathe and live:
Passion
Euphoria
Irrational Anger
Constipation
Partial Nudity
Acceptable Manlove
Double-One Finishes
OK, so “acceptable manlove” isn’t an emotion, and nor are a few others, and double-one finishes are just a result of shit darts, but you get the point. One night of darts and a few sociable ales can take you on an emotional rollercoaster through a modern-day gladiatorial arena. I am not advocating binge-drinking here. True, one of the Albion Arras had downed six pints before the start of the match, but that was just to settle his nerves, so was technically a medical necessity
Support your local pub. You don’t have to drink, although it helps - still yet to find an activity that isn’t as fun without beer. That’s a good topic of conversation, actually. Can anyone think of anything that is more enjoyable to do sober (except shaving a ball sack, especially your own)?
Brainwave!
I have been planning to run a competition for a while, now.
CHALLENGE: Apart from shaving pubic areas, can anyone think of something that is more fun to do sober?
PRIZE: The funniest answer will win themselves a genuine set of GREAT RIGHT HOPE DART FLIGHTS! It doesn’t get much better than that! Note: I said funniest answer. Emergency surgery on your faithful dog is not funny, but best done sober. I just upset myself. A death of a dog is the only justification for male tears.
You have until Thursday the 14th, 6pm UK time to enter! Just pop your answer on the bottom of this post.
Back to the blog. So yeah, you don’t have to drink to enjoy darts, pool, etc. They are great social games, unless playing in a rough-arsed pub where every item used to play barsports also doubles up as an exceptionally versatile, violent weapon.
You are going to hear a lot more from me about how much fun pubs are and about the positive aspects of drinking. Together, we can save the British Pub. Calling out to the USA! How are pubs doing over there?
There will be a page devoted to the Albion Arras, on my website. I’ll let you know when it is up and running, so you can meet the team. Ladies, don’t you worry; there WILL be full frontal nudity. Anyone in the Loughborough area, the Albion Arras are at home to the Dew Drop next Thursday. Would be great to see you all there.
H’oway the Arras!
Tags: 180, Albion Arras, ale, CAMRA, Competition, dart slags, darts, dog death tragedy, England, Loughborough, mark jackman, Save the Pub, Steven Segal's Stinkbridge, The Great Right Hope
