STEVE RYAN! LEGEND OF AIR ROCK! (nb: not Ayers Rock)

Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews

A while back, I interviewed a top lad, Steve Weinberger, author of the hilarious book, No Air Guitars Allowed (to recap your memory, here’s the interview link). A little while later, I got a message on Twitter from a guy from New York City, not that I knew this, as I didn’t have a clue how to use bloody Twitter. Anyway, a week ago, I worked it out and managed to read the message from a certain Steve Ryan, boasting of his success on the air guitar scene - former New York City champ. I was sceptical, after all, I’ve always considered myself a bit of a master of the air-axe. What makes him so good? I decided to contact Steve, to find out what all the fuss was about… 

It’s not every day that you speak to a man and say “I have never met anybody in the world quite like you, before.”  In fact, if memory serves me correctly, only Kendo Nagasaki, Nigel Havers and Steven Segal were on that list…until now.  I can guarantee that you, reader, have never met or heard of anyone quite like Steve Ryan (disclaimer: this doesn’t include people who know or have heard of Steve Ryan).

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you a Legend of Air-Rock!

*

Steve, you were NYC Air Guitar Champ. The champ, man. Firstly, how can you be a champ at playing something that doesn’t exist?

You can be a champ at anything, and many things. Not only am I an Air Guitar Champion, I’m also a Skeeball Champion and an Air Sex Champion. The Air Guitar competitions are run like Olympic Ice Skating. You have 3 judges scoring you between 4.0 and 6.0. You are judged on technical ability, stage presence, and airness, which is exactly what it sounds like.

There’s an artistic program and a compulsory song, and, like in Ice Skating, you wear lots of spandex while drinking mass amounts of alcohol. You have 60 seconds with a song of your choice in round one and if your scores are high enough you move into round two where a 60 second song is thrust upon you, like Odin’s Hammer was to the Mighty Thor. Only he is truly worthy can handle the power.


 
So what makes you so damn good?

I was born with a chemical imbalance. I have about 300% more awesome in me than the average, healthy American. Doctors can’t really do anything about it; they tried Lame-therapy, but my system kept rejecting it.
 
I had a similar issue with piles.
 
Air Guitar is about energy. You have to amp up the crowd, you have to carry a force around in your hands and make it seem as though you are powering the music, not just moving along to it.  You don’t need to know how to play (I can’t play at all) but I can make you believe that I bleed heavy metal and vomit hard rock. My suggestion to all who enlist in the Air Guitarmy is that they should engage, if not outright interact with, the crowd, use the space on the stage, and stop looking like a tool. Think about your song choices, your costume choices, and act like you’re shagging your hot cousin. Sure it’s wrong, but it feels so right.


Amen, brother. How did you know you could cut the mustard?
 
I originally showed up at Aireoke because I used to be a Karaoke DJ and I was hoping to find something lower on the food chain. But after half a bottle of Jack Daniels I was convinced to go do Bohemian Rhapsody (possibly the very hardest Air Guitar song in the book) and I won a $50 gift certificate at some guitar shop (I bought a tamborine). I was approached by a man know as Air Lingus, who told me I had potential to be one of the greatest. Finally my mother was proud of all the laziness I gave to all the music lessons I didn’t take throughout my youth.

 
Champion of New York is pretty impressive? You got any plans to conqueor the world with your air guitar?
 
First, I have to win the National Title. I couldn’t compete last year because I broke my foot and gave my spot up to a really strong contender named Shreddy Mercury, who lost. He was beaten by Hott Lixx Houlihan, who I had demolished in NYC. He then scampered to and won DC and then the nationals. He was then crowned 2008 World Champion in Finland. For a year I was better than the best Air Guitarist in the World. He hates when I say that, but what can he do about it? I’ll tell what he can do: He was one of the judges this year and he tanked my scores. He was like the Russian Olympic judges in the 1980s.
 
I am however a member of Category Sixx, The World’s Greatest Air Band. I play keys.

 

 

So at least I’m the number 1 Air Pianist in the world. Hey, that sounds like Air Penis, no wonder I’m an Air Sex Champ!

 

I thought you were joking? Air sex? As an English gent, I think I could only do that with the light off. How the hell do you win?

Well, most importantly you have remember to stretch often and drink a lot of water. Of course, that’s only foreplay. Once you’re on the stage and full on shagging your invisible partner, as with most air-tivities, you need to be effing wasted. I don’t just mean tipsy or drunk - no sir - if I can still feel my face I’m doing something wrong. Now, this is where I get a little preachy and political, but deal with it. You have to practice safe air sex. You have to. I’m not just talking about the pill, you need to where protection. If you’re not wearing a condom, you might catch some airborne disease.


Like flu? Anyway, when Steve Ryan isn’t playing air guitar, trying to have some of his awesomeness removed, playing skeeball, or air-shagging or real-shagging his hot cousin, what does he do?
 
Isn’t that enough for one man? One mortal man, perhaps, but you’re right; there is more. I am a filmmaker, I produce television and video (www.independenttogether.net),  I work with the CockEyed Optimist Theatre Company (donate now!), I am a puppeteer with the Czechoslovak American Marionette Theatre, I’m putting together a rock and Roll Puppet Revival Show where I play a Satanic creature who saves souls. I also gamble and drink. A lot. Which might be why I’m trying to turn my Meat Loaf tribute show (Anything for Love) into a full fledged Vegas Act.

Steve, it has been an absolute pleasure.

 

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Permalink | November 23rd, 2009

One Response to “STEVE RYAN! LEGEND OF AIR ROCK! (nb: not Ayers Rock)”

  1. ste Says:
    November 24th, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Man, your talents are wasted on air guitar, that air piano is astounding

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