Lookalikee! David Schwimmer and ALF
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Lookalikees
Got a great lookalike sent in by my old housemate, Dredge: The lovable rascal alien, ALF, and Friends star, David Schwimmer. The likeness is uncanny.
Dredge points out that the most notable difference is that ALF likes pussy.
If you have any look-a-likees, that you can see, and no-one else can, or just any that will get us rolling with laughter, please drop me a mail at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com
Tags: ALF, alien life form, David Schwimmer, funny, lookalike, pussy
STEVE RYAN! LEGEND OF AIR ROCK! (nb: not Ayers Rock)
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews
A while back, I interviewed a top lad, Steve Weinberger, author of the hilarious book, No Air Guitars Allowed (to recap your memory, here’s the interview link). A little while later, I got a message on Twitter from a guy from New York City, not that I knew this, as I didn’t have a clue how to use bloody Twitter. Anyway, a week ago, I worked it out and managed to read the message from a certain Steve Ryan, boasting of his success on the air guitar scene - former New York City champ. I was sceptical, after all, I’ve always considered myself a bit of a master of the air-axe. What makes him so good? I decided to contact Steve, to find out what all the fuss was about…
It’s not every day that you speak to a man and say “I have never met anybody in the world quite like you, before.” In fact, if memory serves me correctly, only Kendo Nagasaki, Nigel Havers and Steven Segal were on that list…until now. I can guarantee that you, reader, have never met or heard of anyone quite like Steve Ryan (disclaimer: this doesn’t include people who know or have heard of Steve Ryan).
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you a Legend of Air-Rock!
*
Steve, you were NYC Air Guitar Champ. The champ, man. Firstly, how can you be a champ at playing something that doesn’t exist?
You can be a champ at anything, and many things. Not only am I an Air Guitar Champion, I’m also a Skeeball Champion and an Air Sex Champion. The Air Guitar competitions are run like Olympic Ice Skating. You have 3 judges scoring you between 4.0 and 6.0. You are judged on technical ability, stage presence, and airness, which is exactly what it sounds like.
There’s an artistic program and a compulsory song, and, like in Ice Skating, you wear lots of spandex while drinking mass amounts of alcohol. You have 60 seconds with a song of your choice in round one and if your scores are high enough you move into round two where a 60 second song is thrust upon you, like Odin’s Hammer was to the Mighty Thor. Only he is truly worthy can handle the power.
So what makes you so damn good?
I was born with a chemical imbalance. I have about 300% more awesome in me than the average, healthy American. Doctors can’t really do anything about it; they tried Lame-therapy, but my system kept rejecting it.
I had a similar issue with piles.
Air Guitar is about energy. You have to amp up the crowd, you have to carry a force around in your hands and make it seem as though you are powering the music, not just moving along to it. You don’t need to know how to play (I can’t play at all) but I can make you believe that I bleed heavy metal and vomit hard rock. My suggestion to all who enlist in the Air Guitarmy is that they should engage, if not outright interact with, the crowd, use the space on the stage, and stop looking like a tool. Think about your song choices, your costume choices, and act like you’re shagging your hot cousin. Sure it’s wrong, but it feels so right.
Amen, brother. How did you know you could cut the mustard?
I originally showed up at Aireoke because I used to be a Karaoke DJ and I was hoping to find something lower on the food chain. But after half a bottle of Jack Daniels I was convinced to go do Bohemian Rhapsody (possibly the very hardest Air Guitar song in the book) and I won a $50 gift certificate at some guitar shop (I bought a tamborine). I was approached by a man know as Air Lingus, who told me I had potential to be one of the greatest. Finally my mother was proud of all the laziness I gave to all the music lessons I didn’t take throughout my youth.
Champion of New York is pretty impressive? You got any plans to conqueor the world with your air guitar?
First, I have to win the National Title. I couldn’t compete last year because I broke my foot and gave my spot up to a really strong contender named Shreddy Mercury, who lost. He was beaten by Hott Lixx Houlihan, who I had demolished in NYC. He then scampered to and won DC and then the nationals. He was then crowned 2008 World Champion in Finland. For a year I was better than the best Air Guitarist in the World. He hates when I say that, but what can he do about it? I’ll tell what he can do: He was one of the judges this year and he tanked my scores. He was like the Russian Olympic judges in the 1980s.
I am however a member of Category Sixx, The World’s Greatest Air Band. I play keys.
So at least I’m the number 1 Air Pianist in the world. Hey, that sounds like Air Penis, no wonder I’m an Air Sex Champ!
I thought you were joking? Air sex? As an English gent, I think I could only do that with the light off. How the hell do you win?
Well, most importantly you have remember to stretch often and drink a lot of water. Of course, that’s only foreplay. Once you’re on the stage and full on shagging your invisible partner, as with most air-tivities, you need to be effing wasted. I don’t just mean tipsy or drunk - no sir - if I can still feel my face I’m doing something wrong. Now, this is where I get a little preachy and political, but deal with it. You have to practice safe air sex. You have to. I’m not just talking about the pill, you need to where protection. If you’re not wearing a condom, you might catch some airborne disease.
Like flu? Anyway, when Steve Ryan isn’t playing air guitar, trying to have some of his awesomeness removed, playing skeeball, or air-shagging or real-shagging his hot cousin, what does he do?
Isn’t that enough for one man? One mortal man, perhaps, but you’re right; there is more. I am a filmmaker, I produce television and video (www.independenttogether.net), I work with the CockEyed Optimist Theatre Company (donate now!), I am a puppeteer with the Czechoslovak American Marionette Theatre, I’m putting together a rock and Roll Puppet Revival Show where I play a Satanic creature who saves souls. I also gamble and drink. A lot. Which might be why I’m trying to turn my Meat Loaf tribute show (Anything for Love) into a full fledged Vegas Act.
Steve, it has been an absolute pleasure.
Tags: actor, Air Band, air guitar, air keys, Air Lingus, Air Penis, air sex, ayers rock, Category Sixx, Cockeyed, Czechoslovak American Marionette, hot cousin, Hott Lixx Houlihan, Independent together, Interviews, jack daniels, Jacko, kendo nagasaki, Meat Loaf, Mighty Thor, New York, nigel havers, No Air Guitar Allowed, Odin, Odin's hammer, Olympic, optimist, piles, puppeteer, Sheddy Mercury, Steve Ryan, Steve Weinberger, Steven Segal, theatre, tribute, twitter, vegas
Look-a-likees! Robbie Williams and …The Crazy Frog
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Lookalikees
After pointing out the now glaringly obvious similarity between TV Supernanny, Jo Frost, and porn sensation, Ron Jeremy (blogpost), a few of you sent me other unlikely look-a-likees (tonguetwister, that), and I thought, why not use this blog as a place to share this important and often hilarious knowledge.
If you have any look-a-likees, that you can see, and no-one else can, or just any that will get us rolling with laughter, please drop me a mail at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com Include a bit about yourself and I’ll post it up on the blog. Once I get a few up, I’ll run a competition for the best one.
Zetta Brown, author, and half of the double-act that is LL-Publications, publisher of The Great Right Hope, came up with this unexpected, but highly amusing couple. Robbie Williams, from Take That fame, and The Crazy Frog.
I pissed myself when Zetta sent me this picture. For discussion though:
1) Which one is the most annoying?
2) Which one has the most psychological problems?
3) Which one will live the longest?
4) Which one should go back to the slime from whence they came?
Send me your look-a-likees, people. If you can do your own art work of a combined version of the two, then there will be bonus ponits.
Tags: Jo Frost, LL-Publications, lookalike, mark jackman, porn star, Robbie Williams, Ron Jeremy, Supernanny, Take That, The Crazy Frog, The Great Right Hope, Zetta Brown
The Next Action Hero (the decline of the lad’s mag)
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko: Author
I wrote this short story after discovering that Men’s Health had overtaken FHM, in terms of sales. Thinking of sending it off to Men’s Health, actually. Worth a shot. They’ll probably conclude that I’m a little bit weird. Anyway, enjoy.
*
It’s Sunday, therefore, I’m hungover. I have to make it through the day for no other reason, other than to survive. It’s likely that I’ll spend the next twelve hours watching television, whilst taking breaks for biological purposes, one for pleasure, and one for discharging the toxic kebab that is currently brutalising my digestive tract. The toilet will become my living Hell, and I’m going to need a magazine for those boring, painful, bloody times…Actually, I’ll probably need a magazine for both biological “necessities.”
I walk into the newsagents. Jimmy the shop owner doesn’t acknowledge me. He knows I’m in a bad place. He witnessed the same performance last week, and the week before, and the…you get the picture.
I fill my basket with junk food: Sugars, fats, e-number things, pig, gristle, Haribo, everything I need to make my waking moments more bearable. Something to read…
I scan the shelves…
Footy magazine – Sky was invented for a reason.
Film magazine – I’m hungover! I want to see shit blown up. I don’t want to read about it, or read an in-depth analysis of foreign crap with subtitles and subplots. Films with “sub” in them mean they’ll be critically acclaimed and borrrrrring…Unless they have submarines in them, blowing shit up.
Gaming magazine – Flashing lights and spinning screens bring forth nausea and the kebab from last night. Reading about them may trigger the same responses.
Porno – I look round the store. No-one I know, and, more importantly no old grannies who’ll tell me I’m going to Hell, again. Romancing the bone does give one the respite from even the most crippling of hangovers, even if it is for five minutes, five beautiful minutes….Nah, too much dexterity required to turn the pages. Internet will bring women, and for free.
Lad’s Mag – Pictures of pretty ladies; a few funny stories and jokes; bit about sport; few film and game reviews; cool articles. A little bit of everything in a neat little package. Sold.
I pick up the magazine and go to see Jimmy. No embarrassment this time after the controversial Older-Bolder-Bitches purchase, last week.
“Hang on,” say I, as something catches my peepers. Men’s Health, I mouth, silently. What’s that? I feel the flab around my stomach and realise that I have never linked the two words together. I scan through the featured articles, displayed, as proud as Pride, on the front of a six-pack.
“Fifteen Flat-Belly Powerfoods,” Is that a sentence?
“Seduce Any Woman-No Talking Required” Free Rohypnol could be useful.
“What works better: Sauna or Steam.” Why would I give a shit about that?
“Jimmy! What’s this all about?” I ask my local provider of magazines, cancer-inducing nutrition, mobile phone top-ups, £6 Bolivian vodka and scratchcards.
“New craze, mate. It’s overtaken FHM for popularity, now.”
“Shut up,” say I, as I flick through the pages of half-naked…MEN! “This is a sausage fest, pal. There ain’t a pair of jugs in sight.”
“There’s usually a bit of tit towards the end,” Jimmy informs me.
I flick through faster than I would the Littlewood’s catalogue when I’m desperately scanning for the lingerie section. Finally, I find flesh softer than the rest of the chiselled muscle that’s on show. I realise that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. “This is rubbish. You can’t see owt as it’s all done shitely, you know, arty, like.” I read out the featured article’s title. “’Make Any Woman Orgasm In Five Minutes.’”
I look up, unaware of the audience. Strange, a middle-aged lady smiles coyly.
“Why would I give a shit about that?” I ask Jimmy as the woman storms out of the shop.
“Watch your language! Even you don’t spend enough on fags, booze and weird porn to warrant scaring away the other customers.”
I ignore him as I read a little more. “’Put an inch on your arms in six weeks.’” Six weeks of doing these…press-ups…sounds a lot of hard work, if you ask me.”
Jimmy sighs, “That’s why you look like you do, and that bloke in the mag looks like he does.”
“Yeah, but he spends all his time looking at himself in the mirror and sweating with other like-minded freaks. I’d prefer to watch action movies with heroes beating up bad-guys, bagging the birds and engaging in the blowing up of shit.”
“You ever thought that ’cos he looks like that, he isn’t watching it on his TV, he’s actually doing it.”
I once was blind but now I see.
“I can get biceps like these?” say I, as I hold up the magazine to show Jimmy a hunk brandishing an impressive set of guns.”
“Why not?”
“I can get these girls?” I ask, with hope in my heart, as I point at Jimmy’s stock of top-shelf publications.
“I guess so, especially the ones in Swinging Weekly.”
“With a mighty, manly physique, can I crush all my enemies with mighty, manly headlocks and then make love to their women, impressed with my manliness and my ability to make them orgasm within five minutes?”
“…erm…sure, why not?”
“How much for this knowledge? How much does it cost to learn the secrets of six-packs, biceps and the female reproductive system?”
“£4.”
“Shit the bed! Give us a copy of Razzle, instead.”
“Come on, now. You look terrible, you haven’t had a girlfriend in years and chances are high that you ain’t going to get another one.”
Jimmy’s right. I’ve been spiralling out of control since she left me. Booze, fags and fast food had taken its toll, and I had destroyed a body that once was…well, better than it is now.
“You’re right, Jimmy. You’re bloody right. But I ain’t doing this for me,” I throw over four pound coins. “I’m doing this for the women…you know, so I can do ’em.”
*
Yes! A picture of Thora Hird, two blogs running.
Tags: action hero, author, e numbers, FHM, Flex, Jacko, kebab, loaded, mark jackman, Men's Health, Muscle and Fitness, newsagent, older bolder bitches, Razzle, rohypnol, short, story, swinging weekly, Thora Hird, top shelf
Nick Tate Has Entered The Building
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews
As you well know, I’m the lead singer in the band, Five Inches of Steel. Admittedly, we don’t write our own music; we certainly don’t play our own music; we don’t sing live; we look crap without make-up; but we do write our own lyrics, which means we ain’t doing too bad when compared to some of the reality-rubbish we get these days.
That’s why I am so pleased to introduce to you Nick Tate, a young musician who has taken the route into music involving working hard, developing his own sound and tapping into his raw talent. I was lucky enough to catch up with the man himself and find out all about him and his, soon to be released, debut album.
Nick, first of all, thanks for stopping by. Why don’t you start telling us about you, and what got you into music.
Afternoon. It’s all a bit random really. Firstly, I come from a pretty musical family. My granddad was a composer and arranger, as well as the conductor for the BBC Scottish National Orchestra. We had his piano sat in our living room at home. Myself and my two brothers were all sat down as seven-years-olds and told we had to learn to play the piano or we wouldn’t be getting any food and that our hands would be chopped off…OK, that’s probably a slight exaggeration, but it was basically a given that we’d all play, because everyone, and I mean everyone, plays something.
That sounds great. The Jackman family didn’t indulge in such culture, although Old Man Jacko told me he threatened Des O’Connor, once.
Hang on - did he threaten Des, or did he threaten you with Des. Both a bit random.
I grew up enjoying a real eclectic set of music, a lot of early jazz, blues and then obviously stuff like The Beatles, Stones and Beach Boys. I picked up guitar when I was about thirteen to play through the Oasis and Nirvana songbook (having become utterly sick of jazz). I always kept it going, not taking it too seriously, but then I totally screwed my back, when I was twenty-one, and kind of found it again. That coincided with a move to London after Uni. and, all of a sudden, I found I had a lot to write about. London’s mental, especially when you’re managing two careers, one that pays the rent and one that you really love, which is music. I started playing gigs, just because I wanted people to hear the tunes. London’s weird because people really don’t talk to each other so for some unknown reason I thought it might help.
Damn straight they don’t talk. The cockneys just ignore you. Dizzee Rascal completely blanked me when I asked him to pull my finger.
Haha - I’m sure it’s not just Grime artists mate. The thought would terrify anyone with a nose. As for the feeling of anonymity in London, it’s weird as I’m from a small town outside Nottingham where everyone knows your business. I haven’t lived there for six years and people still know my business but I think that’s more down to Facebook and my mum. There’s no community in London, although, mentally, people are very much in the same place which is why I find it quite strange. Also, everyone’s on top of each other, all of the time. Ever tried the tube in rush hour? It’s like being in a sardine can…in Hell.
Mentally the same? No other region is deranged enough to say “apples and pears” when they unclearly mean “stairs.” Jesus, what’s cockney rhyming slang for “Stennah Stair Lift”? (Oh, and RIP Thora Hird)
Cockneys were put on this world to confuse people. That’s why everyone wonders what Danny Dyer is actually famous for, because let’s face it, it ain’t his acting, and he looks proper shit-scared on “Britain’s Hardest” or whatever it’s called.
I like the episode where he wouldn’t stay out in the woods, for a night, because he needed a poo. Back to your music, what makes Nick Tate’s sound, Nick Tate’s sound?
I think the jazz influence certainly comes through, as well as blues and rock. F*ck - writing this makes me now think that I play in a jazz/blues/rock fusion band which is a bit worrying! I try and write tracks that people can relate to, whether that’s something that gets you going, or something more melodic. I’ve always wanted to play stuff that sounds, well, good, but is also music that people can understand. Being very musical is also really important to us. I sat down with my drummer, Dom, at the start of this, and we talked about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that it was incredibly important for the musicianship to come through on all of the tunes. Translated, this probably meant he wanted to do a shit load of drum solos, but we’re totally dedicated to making the songs sound as good as possible, both live and recorded, for both our own sakes and the audience. Why don’t you decide? Go to http://www.myspace.com/nicktatemusic where there are a few songs from the album that you can listen to.
Sounds great, my man. Sounds great. What can you tell us about the new album?
Well, it’s called “Turn Into Twilight” and it’s basically about an experience of living in a big city.
Have you written a song about getting black boogers when travelling on the tube? Actually, that would go well to Ram Jam’s “Black Betty”. “Big Black Boogers, bambalam, Big Black Booger, bambalam…”
“Black Booger from the sweat bammalamm”? Nice. There’s a cover right there methinks. As for the big smoke, I find it weird that I’d probably be a different person if I’d moved back home. I guess London or any big city acts a filter to your experiences.
What do you mean by that?
Big cities are pressure pots. My dad always said they’re like sewers, and that big shits rise to the top, but then again he also thinks the best thing to come out of London is the road north. I think living in London leaves you with a thick skin. It’s abrasive, it’s a real assault on the senses which takes a lot of getting used to. The pace is different is well, so I think it’s made me work harder, act less complacent and probably see more opportunities.
How long did it take you to record the album?
It took from December ‘08 to Sepetember ‘09, so close to ten months and was a real labour of love. Balancing day jobs, gigs, recordings and people’s availability is a real mission and often involved getting up earlier, going to bed later and letting a lot of people down. I was really lucky to get picked up by a producer who not only loved the tracks but who had as harsh a work ethic as I do.
So, if I was put “Turn Into Twilight” into my music collection, which artists would it sit well with (assuming I don’t organise my CDs in alphabetical order)?
It’s a difficult one, most artists hate answering this question because it makes it sound like they’ve nicked ideas and their sound from someone else. I’d stick myself half way between John Mayer (but less bluesy), Ray LaMontagne (but less acoustic), Jack Johnson (without the surfboard), The Fray (without the ugly lead singer), Dave Matthew Band (without the random melodies and jazz flute) people like that really. I’d be pretty chuffed if I was compared to any of them to be honest with you. Sorry lead singer of the Fray-you’re beautiful in your own way : )
You’re beautiful too, Nick…swoon
…erm…right…how about I just stick you between Power Ballads 5 and Power Ballads 6.
Nice - thanks for that. Top Gear Driving Anthems here I come….
When’s the album out and have you got any party plans?
The official launch date is November 17th and it’s going out through iTunes. We’ve got 1000 limited editions pressed to sell at gigs and get out to radio stations and all that. The album launch party is at The Green Carnation, 5 Greek Street, Soho, London, on the 17th Nov and we’ve got some great support acts. Failing, that you can get a sneak preview now at www.nicktate.co.uk and there’s the usual info and gig dates and all that stuff on their too.
Lastly mate, fancy joining up with Five Inches of Steel?
Which artists would it sit well with?
I’ll take that as a no.
Tags: acoustic, CD, cockney, Dave Matthew Band, Des o connor, Gig, Interviews, Jack Jones, Jacko, jazz, John Mayer, London, mark jackman, Music, Nick Tate, Power Ballads, radio-friendly, Ray LaMontagne, rock, Stennah stair lift, The Fray, The Green Carnation, Thora Hird, Top Gear, Turn Into Twilight
