Jacko’s First Ever Book Signing
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko: Author
August 23rd saw my first ever book signing in Borders, Gateshead. Book signing, huh? It took a while for it to sink in that I was actually going to do one. Those who have the displeasure of being one of my buddies will know that I started writing to stop playing Playstation. I was putting too many hours into Pro Evolution Soccer 3, and decided to plough my spare time into something a little more constructive, and gave writing a go. Those days are a distant memory: waking up on a Sunday morning with mild alcohol poisoning, vomiting through to four p.m., playing Master League on my PS2, flicking through the copy of Razzle that had mysteriously appeared by my bed, vomiting a bit more until the Chinese opened at six and I could put in my order for chicken fried rice, curry sauce and chips, flick through Razzle once more, and then pass out. When Queen sung the words “Those Were the Days of Our Lives,” I will remember those happy times, and I like to think that Roger Taylor penned those words whilst pulling a quick one to Reader’s Wives, hungover, waiting for his Chinese to turn up.
Writing has turned into something more than a past-time, and I have not played Playstation since, and not just because I bought an Xbox (although that is probably the main reason). What I am trying to say is that I never thought that I would get this far and it all hit home with the book signing. A book signing…that’s what authors do! It was a very surreal moment indeed and I would like to thank everyone who has helped make this possible.
To the book signing! I am still in the infancy of my writing career, with The Great Right Hope only being released asa paperback about four weeks only, so I was certainly not expecting to be greeted with a queue like this:
And I wasn’t.
Nope, I was much luckier than that.
The first two people I met were Jim Brown and Zetta Brown, the husband and wife team behind LL-Publications, the publishing house who are behind big Sid Tillsley and The Great Right Hope, may he bring them lots of money and little hate mail. It was the first time that we had met in person and a great moment. I was lucky enough to be part of a double act, and Ellen Dean was also signing her book, Beautiful Stranger. I’d like to say a big thanks to Ellen who made me feel very much at home sat in front of a store full of people. Ellen gave me loads of hints and tips on marketing as she has been promoting Beautiful Stranger for the last two years and her and her partner Gloria are book promoting gurus! It was very enlightening, and so much fun as they are both as mad as a box of frogs! Thanks to Ellen, Gloria, Zetta and Jim for making it such a fantastic day, and cheers to Peelo for keeping me company in the car.
From left to right, Peelo (the missus), me, Jim (publisher), Ellen, Gloria (Ellen’s partner), Zetta (on camera-LOL)
So what you are all gagging to know is whether I sold any books or not? And the answer is, thankfully, yes. Seven to be precise. Not a huge number, but it was never going to be. It was a great learning experience, and I think it is something that I can build on. Writing really is the easy part. It is the promotions that are the hard work, and I am now learning the craft.
Let me tell you about the first person I signed a book for. His name was Alan, or at least I think it was.
Alan didn’t really want to come and see me, but, like a lioness picking out a sick gazelle, Gloria sensed weakness. She attacked him when he wasn’t expecting it and made him approach me at the desk. I shook Alan by the hand, he asked me about my book and I told him all he wanted to know. No pressure was added by myself, and young Alan asked for a copy to be signed. “Do you want me to sign it to you, Alan?” asked I. “Erm….actually…..no,” he said, shiftily. “I see,” said I, narrowing my eyes, smelling something fishy. I gave Alan the book and he was on his way. I watched him take it down to the tills, and then, he slyly changed direction, and came back towards me. He walked confidently to the bottom of the stairs, just near where I was stationed, and pretended to look upstairs, as if he was trying to find someone. Up he went…and never came down.
The book was found later, dumped on an information stand.
My first ever signing…dumped.
I don’t know where Alan went. Like Keyser Söze, he disappeared without a trace. “The greatest trick that Alan ever pulled, was convincing Borders the book didn’t exist.” There was one exit! He must have leapt out of the window of Starbucks or escaped through the ventilation system. Why did he ask me to sign it?
Alan, if you are reading this, please explain your actions on the bottom of this blog and I’ll send you the book for free!
As an author at a book signing, you also develop another special power: Superman, The Man Of Steel’s heat vision.
People refuse to make eye contact with you, as if you have leprosy or work for N-Power. This old fella was reading my banners and then he slowly raised his line of sight to see me looking at him, and he cowered as if I was a Nazi stormtrooper, and not one of the nice ones. He had to walk past me to get to his interest section, and every time I looked up he wilted, and moved away from me. I think I could have driven him into the sea, like in 300, just with the power of the “Author’s Eye.”
It was a good day though. Book signings are not big business in terms of sales, even for the big boys, but are ways of gaining exposure. People see your name, see your work and then can go back into the book shop later. Borders, Gateshead is the first non-web bookshop to store my book, and that’s a cool feeling, knowing a kind educated Geordie can walk in, pick it up and steal it.
The next book signing for me will be in Waterstones in Loughborough, and hopefully more will come as a result. I’m hoping to visit Borders in Leicester, York and Norwich. Hopefully, I’ll see you at one, and you too, Alan.
Jackman and Dean converse with a fan, a small child and a gothic person.
Jackman signs a book which is not dumped.
“Honestly, the toilets were like that when I got here.”
Special thanks to Ryan, Jane, Norm and Ruth the Goth, for popping in and saying hello! I’m glad you have met my girlfriend, and I hope you’ll finally believe that I am straight.
Tags: Beautiful Strange, Book Signing, Borders, comedy, Ellen Dean, Gateshead, goth, horror, humour, Jacko, Jim Brown, Leicester, Loughborough, mark jackman, Norwich, Playstation, Pro Evolution Soccer, Queen, Reader's wives, Roger Taylor, Sid Tillsley, Team Valley Retail Park, The Great Right Hope, Vampire, Waterstone, Xbox, York, Zetta Brown
BE A DRUNK, BE A WINNER!
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Competition Time, The Great British Pub
Time for a competition, ladies and gents. This is your chance to win an autographed copy of ‘The Great Right Hope‘, published by LL-Publications and also available on Amazon.
This competition is based on the wickedness of alcohol. We all like a drink, from time to time, don’t we? Now and then, there’s nothing wrong with a couple over the recommended daily intake as preached to us by TV heart-throb, debonair superstud, Dr. Hilary Jones. Please enjoy the following tribute to the grandmother’s favourite, in the form of a small, shit collage.
Before continuing, however, I need to contradict my previous statement and warn you of the dangers of alcohol, as preached to us by TV heart-throb, debonair superstud, Dr. Hilary Jones.
That’s actually quite sad. He should be sporting a moustache indicitive of “Bad Hasslehoff.” Not nice at all.
This competition coincides with the release of the paperback version of my debut novel, The Great Right Hope. Other good news to prompt this generosity is that TGRH has turned into LL-Publications best-selling book of all time! Check out LL’s blog for details.
There is a lot of boozing in TGRH, possibly more than any other book in creation, with exception to Jimmy White’s biography. To show you how much boozing there is, here are some interesting book stats for you:
The word “beer” is used: 78 times.
The word “ale” is used: 141 times.
The word “drunk” is used 62 times.
…and the word “wine” is used 0 times. That’s right, ladies. This is a man’s book. Take your emotions and your voyages of discovery elsewhere. This is for rootin’-tootin’ bloody blokes, who like to kick back and chew the fat over subjects devoid of emotions, except rage. Saying that, this would make a wonderful gift for a husband, brother or father, and even though I just said that men are devoid of emotions, that was a lie, and they’d love you forever if you bought a copy of The Great Right Hope for them to cherish.
Back to the competition: Boozing has given me some of the funniest moments of my shortened life. I have had some great adventures with my friends, and we have seen some hilarious acts performed by equally drunken, but more idiotic people. It’s great to sit by the fireside and reminisce with friends about the time ”xyz” stole a midget’s bike; knocked themselves out by heading a frozen chicken; threw up on a girl they were snogging; needed a dump on a night out so squatted down in a field, pissed in their trousers by accident, and, in panic, slipped and landed in their own faeces; had a Xmas eve punch-up with two guys dressed as cartoon characters; had a shoe duel; drank four pots of chili sauce and a pot of garlic sauce; partaken in tramp bukakke.
Someone has put a great compilation video together on YouTube of drunken idiots. The potential drunk driver (innocent until proven guilty) at the end makes me laugh every time I see it!
So how do you win the prize? Well it is quite simple, my friend. I want to hear your drunken stories. The funniest drunken story will win anautographed copy of The Great Right Hope! Closing date is at the end of the month (Aug ‘09). Either pop your story at the bottom of the comments, or drop me an email at jackhammer@mark-jackman.com. I’ll publish the winning entry as a separate blog, next month. Please no names, and if you just want to comment with some drunken banter then it’s all the same to me!
So come on guys and gals, let’s hear of some drunken adventures!
Good luck!
Jacko
www.mark-jackman.com
p.s. I don’t anyone who has partaken in tramp bukakke.
Tags: bender, Competition, Competition Time, drunk, heart-throb superstud, idiot, Jimmy White, mark jackman, Pub, Real ale, The Great Right Hope, tramp bukakke, vomit
