TRAINHOP
Posted by Jacko | Filed under ManChat, The Great British Pub
I’ve been asked a lot recently, “What is Trainhop?” and it is time for me to explain.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO TRAINHOP!
Trainhop is a very simple concept: Biannually, once in summer, once in winter, a group of men (only men!) turn up at a chosen station, on a chosen day, at 11A.M. They then travel on a random train to a distance no more than one hour away, with a tariff no greater than ten English Pounds. Whilst on the train the “Trainhoppers” or “Hoppers,” as they are known, enjoy a swift libation before embarking on a fourteen-hour killer bender in the chosen town, which usually ends up with 25 % of the group having a “dodgy pint” and, through no fault of their own, they vomit in public.
Trainhop is a magical event and there are a certain number of traditions that accompany the fun and frolics. Every Trainhop has a special drink. In summer this is a “Hoptail,” a light and fruity number designed to refresh the Hopper on a warm summer’s day. In winter, a “Winter Warmer” is the order of the day, designed to protect the Hopper against the cold winter air.
Unfortunately, no Trainhopper has ever attended bar-tender school, most have not attended school, for that matter. However, creativity is rife within the group and this often leads to something quite hideous, that usually curdles, and which led to the earliest Trainhop vomit, 11.45 A.M.
Above is this summer’s hoptail, “Stawberries and Cream,” a combination of Aldi imitation Balileys, 40% strawberry vodka, and a strawberry. It curdled and looked like a fish that had been tortured in a blender. It didn’t taste much better. The worst ever was “Alcoholic Cuppasoup.” That consisted of: hot water, two scoops of budget instant soup mix, one large slug of vodka and three croutons. Bad days, people.
The hop drink is always accompanied by train beers, and then it is tradition that we visit the first pub in the town. It’s only early, and sometimes Hoppers do not get the warmest of receptions.
Because we are not always sure how far we are going to travel on the train, we usually have a surplus of beers which looks like a hamper for tramps, hence: “The Tramper.” We then find our first warrior of the road and give them tins and tins of warm cheap beer and any remaining trainhop drink. The alcoholic cuppasoup saved lives.
Noticed the hunk in the tweed? Yes, course you did. That’s me. Notice the little Tweed number, I’m wearing? Yes, course you did. The last Trainhop was Trainhop 10, and that is a very special number. There is a ranking system in Trainhop, and after a Hopper’s third Hop, they earn their sergeant stripes and are entitled to vote on Hop business, and are also rewarded with a medallion. On the tenth, a Hopper is knighted and loses all say in Hop business, thus allowing new blood to come through the ranks, and take the Hop to the next level. Myself and Lee Mallard earned blazers for our service. Lee had a snazzy little red number, whilst I got the tweed, which looked shit, so I am going to get a new one. True story.
So, in a witty nutshell, that’s Trainhop, and we drink until we get the last train back home, drink on the train, and then drink when we get home. For the tenth, and with my retirement from official business, we had something a little special and organised some ad hoc team games, captained by Lee and myself. It is quite surreal to watch a “Shoe Duel” at 12.30 in the afternoon.
Wheel barrow races to pubs are more conventional, but fun, nonetheless.
Something that never helps with the vomiting is team-eating events. I haven’t got a picture of the ice-cream eating contest that took place in Nuneaton market place, that actually drew a crowd, but I watched a man eat a two quid ice-cream in 41.3 seconds. That has to be some sort of record after eight pints of lager.
We even had a “Hunk-Off” where each team had ten pounds to dress their chosen hunk, and then ladies picked their favourite superstud. See the red-hot Nuneaton sluts at the bottom of the picture? They liked the stud with the beard. Who wouldn’t?
That said, in 10 hops, which roughly equates to 1800 man-hours, no-one has ever pulled a girl, or obtained a number. With that many red-blooded sex-stallions, ten pints into a session, it is really difficult to fathom out why. Frigid women is the only answer.
Trainhops are pretty crazy, but they do provide good boosters to local pubs, as we try to frequent good old-fashioned locals, and fifty pints sold in an hour really do bump up the pub’s profits. OK, sometimes things get a little out of hand, and there are always a few casualties, and a few pub toilets devastated, but that’s par for the course.
Trainhops builds relationships, man-time, cameraderie, beer-tolerance, and body mass indicies. It is a time to forget the woes of the world and explore new places, meet new people, experience different cultures (Stoke-on-Trent), taste different ales and throw up a little. I’m passing on the baton, but I believe that the spirit of trainhop will be around as long as there are trains, or until boozing and drunks are banned from them (possibly from a Trainhop related incident). I would love to see Trainhops starting from other towns, so that mass trainhops can take place on the same day.
If you are reading this, and you would like to get involved in the franchise, drop me a mail and I’ll put you on to the new organiser. If you fancy starting your own Trainhop, drop us a line, too. You can’t lose, because when all is said and done, and when all shoes have been thrown, it’s just an all-dayer. But what an all-dayer!
I’d like to say a big thank you to everyone who has ever made an event. I’d also like to thank Wellingborough, Newark and Lincoln, Chesterfield, Stamford, Birmingham, Kettering, Stoke, Melton Mowbray, Uttoxeter and Nuneaton for their hospitality.
The road goes ever on and on, and now I can only watch as Trainhop 11 wakes to a new world, with a new organiser.
THE KING IS DEAD!
LONG LIVE THE MAGGOT!
Feel free to add to any Trainhop stories to the bottom of the comments.
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Tags: Birmingham, Caravan of Love, Chesterfield, hoptail, Kettering, Lincoln, Loughborough, Melton Mowbray, minge, Newark, Nuneaton, Real ale, Stamford, Stoke-On-Trent, Trainhop, Uttoxeter, vomit, Wellingborough, winter warmer
Jim Brown, The Man From LL-Publications, Publisher of The Great Right Hope
Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews, Jacko: Author
MJ: A big hello to Jim Brown, head honcho at LL-Publications, publisher of The Great Right Hope. Glad to have you here, Jim.
JB: Great to be here! Actually, I half expected Sid to make an appearance. How is the Man of the North doing?
MJ: Sid is battling his way through the sequel, right now. He’d be here, but the Big Man doesn’t trust the Scottish. It’s the kilts. The Great Right Hope hits the shops on 1st August, what was it that made LL-Publications decide to take a chance on Sid Tillsley, Middlesbrough’s most famous hero?
JB: It’s all Mark Jackman’s fault, really. Not satisfied with writing a truly hilarious story, he did insist on keeping up contact, being civil and patient, until eventually he wore us down!
MJ: Yes, ironically, some have referred to me as an annoying prick before.
JB: Seriously, though, it was all down to the humour of the piece. The Great Right Hope is simply an astonishingly funny story, unlike anything we’ve seen. We like “different”, you see? And in Big Sid we have the most unlikely (anti)hero ever in literary history!
MJ: “Most unlikely hero in literary history!” I like the sound of that. Take that Shakespeare, you arse! We’ve got a big LL-Publications author’s day in Geordie-land. Can you tell us a bit about that?
JB: All being well, the cream of LL-Publications (that’s yours truly, editor/author Zetta Brown, authors Mark Jackman, Peter Ashley, Tony McGuin, and colleague Ellen Dean will descend upon the Borders bookstore in Gateshead near Newcastle, UK., for a day (August 23rd) of book-signings, chat, and screaming groupies. We hope to leave with our clothing intact…
MJ: I hope so, too. The groupies are getting a little much, if I’m honest. Tell us about LL-publications, when and why did you breathe life into the business?
JB: I breathed life into writing and publishing after I almost stopped breathing life into myself! Many years ago I suffered a heart condition and was ordered to rest completely until my body had recovered. That meant five months of doing absolutely nothing physically; even walking twenty yards left me breathless and sweating. And so I started writing, out of sheer boredom. Somehow, lord knows why, I found I was quite good at writing smut, especially comic smut. I had several shorts stories published online, and it was while part of an online readers group that two important life-changing events occurred:
1) I started a tiny part-time publishing company, and
2) I met my wife, Zetta
A publishing company is not something that suddenly appears, especially when, like myself, you’re starting at the very bottom of the pile knowing very little about the publishing industry. It’s taken a long time to build, because I’ve kept it part-time while growing contacts and forming good relationships with great authors and other notable people in the industry. With the additional help from Zetta - who is by far the perfect example of “Behind every man stands a great woman” (Her version is, “Behind every man stands a great woman - with an air freshener…”), we have built very steadily in the last two years. We have stuck solidly to our principles of publishing good books. Not everyday light reading, but original, creative, different stories. We love “different”. We could have formulated a plan to publish everything half-decent we received, especially when we turned full-time, but we will stick rigidly to only publishing works we think fit the “original and creative” label.
Nowadays, in addition to publishing full-time, Zetta and I offer services to other publishers through http://www.jimandzetta.com: editing, proofreading, typesetting, and ebook converions.
MJ: You recently gave LL-Publications a brand new makeover. What thangs have you got going on?
JB: We’ve undergone a wholesale makeover this year, with the introductions of two official blogs as well as the revamped websites and an additional publisher and author services website at http://www.jimandzetta.com. The blogs (http://llpublications.wordpress.com, http://logicallust.wordpress.com) already have some fantastic content, and we have some great interviews lined up in the coming weeks from authors and other industry personalities.
MJ: Apart from yours truly, what other authors and titles do you have in your stable?
JB: We have GREAT books and stories, from some of the world’s best genre fiction authors as well as authors you are going to hear a LOT more of - like horror author Ben Larken, whose debut novel we published - PIT-STOP - which won the 2009 EPPIE award for Best Horror; like Sci-Fi supremo Darrell Bain, whose works have won awards left right and centre. He has BARK! and a short story duo published with us. As well as an award, our books have been getting regular FIVE STAR reviews from established reviewers and the reading public. Look out too for our latest release; Peter Ashley’s A HUMAN REACTION.
Also watch out for some stunning books to come, like Mark’s follow up to THE GREAT RIGHT HOPE, Ben Larken’s second novel THE HOLLOWS, an anthology by Darrell Bain, a wonderfully written mystery by M. Millswan, plus plenty more on the romance/erotica imprint.
MJ: What are your long-term goals for LL?
JB: The goals are two-fold: One, is to naturally grow to be a reputable business that can represent authors fully, providing them with a slice of income from royalties they receive, and providing me with a living, of course. Two, is to become known to readers as a publisher of damn good books to read.
Neither one of those is easy. In any economic climate, unless you have that wonderful invention or patent no-one else has, you have to face competition and competition in the book industry is fierce. Readers are simply spoilt for choice, and to build a reputation on both counts requires honesty and integrity. I want authors to come to us to have their books published, and readers to come to buy them.
MJ: If you could give an author one piece of advice for getting their work published, what would it be?
JB: Be professional. As an author, to get your book published you need to deal with professionals, be that publisher a large outfit or a smaller independent. If you don’t, or won’t, be professional in your undertaking, you will quickly find that you’ll be passed by in favour of those that do. Publishers and authors now need to work together with a common goal. That requires team-work, and a professional outlook.
MJ: Cheers Jim. Professional, that’s me all over, baby. Now pull my finger.
Seriously, pull my finger.
Drop Jim a question, or check out the rest of what LL-Publications has to offer on their website.
Tags: A Human Reaction, Bark, Darrell Bain, Ellen Dean, Gateshead Borders, Jim Brown, jimandzetta, LL-Publications, Logical-Lust, Ordinary World, Peter Ashley, Roger Federer is a dreamboat, Tony McGuin, Zetta Brown
