From Russia With Love?

Posted by Jacko | Filed under ManChat

I have nothing against the Russian Mafia.  I’ve always said that, and anyone who knows me will back me up.  I mean, they’ll back up my statement.  They won’t back me up in a neo-Nazi knifefight to the death.  I’m not saying that all the Russian Mafioso are neo-Nazis.  Shit.  Look, any organisation who fills every McDonald’s in Riga, Latvia, with prostitutes is alright by me. Hang on. Look, I am not condoning prostitution in any way, but there were more nipples on sight, than there were Chicken McNuggets.

That last paragraph wasn’t really important.  The subject of this Manchat is Russian Brides.

Why?

Why not?

I was browsing the internet, a moment ago, and noticed that one of the banners was advertising the procurement of Russian Brides.  Thing is, I was checking, I think, my Yahoo mail, and it appeared on the top banner, bold as brass.  I can’t find it again!  Don’t sue me, Yahoo.  By the end of this mail, I will be on the Russian Mafia’s and Yahoo’s hitlist, as well as being on the end of a kicking from the Mrs because of the prostitute chat.  This is just like what Salman Rushdie went through.       

                                                                                                           

               Jacko                                               Rushdie

Authoring ain’t easy.

International brides of negotiable affection (Pratchett- nod) or Mail-Order brides have been a topic of many conversations over a beer or ten, and there is much debate thrown back and forth about the moral dilemmas, the ethics, the fulfilment of a genuine relationship and the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.  And, by the end of the evening, we men hope to reach an answer on the difficult decision:  Do you go Thai or Russian? 

http://www.anastasiadate.com/ hopes you go Russian.  It looks all legitimate, too.  Jerry H said this:  “To keep a business going like they do, requires money or no business to offer this kind of protection and service. So don’t worry about the credits required as I once did, just be wise.” 

Just be wise, people.

Also, Jerry advises:  “— these ladies are people, like you, they worry about whom they might meet, they don’t want to play games.”  Good advice, methinks.  So then, sixty-three-year-old Barry, from Scunthorpe, when you take your three grand that you have saved from your disability benefit to Russia to meet your appointed nineteen-year-old, blonde, curvy slut from Moscow, don’t play games.  None at all.

This website only deals with Russians, but it helps the potential customer/loving husband deal with the age old question:  Blonde or Brunette?

It’s a toughie and the website helps you to pick by giving you thirty battles, blonde vs. brunette, womano-a-womano, battle royale, winner takes all, last woman standing.  Which is a little worrying.  The website states “who will be left standing.” I really hope this is not meant literally.  I’d hate to think I just contributed to a massacre, again.

Join the debate:  http://www.anastasiabvb.com/

I’d like to share one thing from the website, even though I know you all ploughing through it, already, broken piggy-bank at your side.  You see, this website cares.  The Russian Mafia, if they are behind this (got no idea), care.  They look past the sex and the lust and the carnal emotions of mankind and remind us what really counts:

It says that.  I shit you not. 

I’ll open it up to the floor…

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Read more | Comments (4) | May 21st, 2009

No Air Guitar Allowed!

Posted by Jacko | Filed under Jacko Interviews

“No Air Guitar Allowed” is the hilarious book, by Steve Weinberger.  “No Air Guitar Allowed” takes you through your average rock concert and pokes fun at all of us, in a side-splitting way.  I had a chance to chat with Steve, enjoy!

MJ:  Hey Steve, great to have you here.  Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?


SW:  I am a wannabe musician who used to sing into my hairbrush to Bon Scott whilst jumping up and down on my bed as a teenager. To be honest, not much has changed!  I am 42-years-old and still go to loads of rock concerts!  I live in San Diego. I went to College at San Diego State University and received my bachelors.  I have a Masters in special education and my day gig is working with adults and kids with disabilities.  We actually take a lot of our clients to shows.  Some of our clients have Down syndrome, Fragile X Syndrome, Autism…it is great to see how much they love the live concert experience.  I have a 3 year old daughter (who has seen over 10 concerts and her first being the Blue Oyster Cult) and a great wife.
 
MJ:  What compelled you to write “No Air Guitar Allowed,” and can you give a quick synopsis of the book?


SW:  I have been going to concerts since I saw KISS in 1977, my first concert. Since then, I have been to over a thousand shows good and bad. So I became a great observer of people at these concerts. I always thought that I would write a book based on just the fans because it has never really been done before.   I was at the House of Blues in San Diego, a real popular venue in America, seeing Ted Nugent a few years back, and I saw five 55 to 60 year old guys in full work attire, drunk out of their minds playing the worst air guitar simultaneously, and I said to myself, “this is it.”  This is the biggest concert faux pas there is. That is how I came up with the title! The book itself is full of so many cool illustrations of the characters we run into at pretty much every show.  It is an original subject but at the same time very widespread.  It is all about the fan craziness and comedy that goes on at every type of rock concert. From the moment you pull into the parking lot and buy a T-shirt from the “Unauthorized T shirt Guy”, to being made to hi-five the “Urinal Hi Fivers.”
 
MJ:  A “Urinal high fiver”?  What is one of those?  I got a “low-fiver” at a urinal, once, but that is a different story altogether, which I don’t intend to share.


SW:  A “Urinal Hi-Fiver is a guy who is vibing on the brotherly love feeling going on at a concert and decides to seek a hi five from you, right at the urinal when you are doing your business while using his other hand to hold his “Johnson.”

MJ:  Really?  That’s disgusting.  Ever end up covered in piss?

SW:  Piss-Oh Yeah, always covered in piss! Either from the floating Jack Daniels empty bottle spraying back at me in the urinal or the hi-fiver pissing on my leg!

MJ:  That sounds awful!

SW:  It is. And then there are the “Chatty Cathies.”
 
MJ:  “Chatty Cathies?”
 
SW:  In America, “Chatty Cathie” is a term describing a group of women who come to a show and just talk the whole time, the show is secondary, while ruining the concert experience for all the neighbors around them. There was a “Chatty Cathy” doll released in the 1970s, in the US, where you would pull the string and it would randomly talk.

MJ:  We have them in Britain, we call them women.  OK, let’s get to the Air Guitar.  I am English, white and very uncool, therefore air guitar is in my blood. Do you love us or loathe us? 
 

SW:  Thats easy! I love you! It is pure entertainment. Look, I am the leader of the 12 step program. I have broken every concert foul in the book. I am one of you!  To this day I still break some of the rules!
 
MJ:  “What’s the 12-step program, Steve?”
 
SW:  The 12 step program here is Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. There is a 12 step progress to teaching the methods to stop drinking. Not sure if you have that over there?

MJ:  Alcoholism, binge drinking and underage pregnancies are not problems here in the UK. 

SW:  There is a process one goes through when going through the 12 step program to recovery. Each step having to be climbed to get to the next one before graduating from the program and not having to attend meetings any more. Out here, it is understood when I use the joke because I have made so many mistakes while attending concerts (singing out loud, buying from the unauthorized tshirt guy, requesting the band to play a song, hi fiving at the urinal, playing air guitar at a show) the joke is that I am one of you. I am not ABOVE you as a fan. I have made the mistakes and I am in recovery myself.

MJ:  So are you trying to help us middle-class white boys from making fools of ourselves?  Can this book stop us from being twats?

SW:  No, there really is no rules at a concert. It is not like you can tell the usher to tell a person to stop singing horribly in your ear. The book just goofs on all the craziness we produce as fans at rock concerts. When the beer is flowing in that kind of environment, anything goes really!

MJ:  I have quite long arms, which means that my air axe is usually strummed at groin level, which looks as if I am pulling one off.  I realise that this is a faux pas, especially when I was at a wedding and inadvertently played my instrument at the bride’s grandmother.  Is this the worst crime I can commit with my air weapon of choice, and if not, what the hell is?
 
SW:  Air drums could possibly be worse! It really depends on how bad looking the grandmother looks as well! I have seen some hot looking grandmothers!
 
MJ:  Not in England, you haven’t!   Where do you go for hot grandmothers?
 
SW:  We have a term here called “Cougars.” These are usually recently divorced women looking for younger men! We have a lot of women out here that are on the loose, especially in Southern California where implants are now given automatically when a women  hits 45!

MJ:  That sounds brilliant!  They just get fat, here in the UK.

SW:  Here is the thing, at a rock concert, you should do the opposite of whatever you think you should do!   For example, if you think you should sing at the top of your lungs when no one else is, do the opposite.  If you think it is cool to start making out at the show (make-out couple), don’t!   If you think it is OK to be over 40 and hit on a 20 year old, take a step back.
 
MJ:  Whoa, fella!  A lot of my fans are over 40!  Is that really a no no?  Don’t college chicks love the older man?  In all the films I have on my computer, they do.  They really do.

SW:  Yeah, but that’s in the movies though. You want to go to a show and be the cool old guy, not the “Creepy Old Guy”. Now, if you are the “Just divorced Guy” and you show up somehow with the 20 year old, that is a good thing. Otherwise, I would just keep your yang in your pants and enjoy the show!

MJ:  If you could give me one piece of advice when attending a rock concert, just one, what would it be? 

SW:  The thing about concerts is we remember them forever except if we are the “completely wasted guy”! You do not want to be the guy remembered for ruining the concert for other people. So my advice is, go to the show, hang out with your friends, and have a good time. Pretty simple advice. I cannot tell you how many shows I have been to that have been a ruined memory for me because of other people acting like “twats.”

MJ:  Where can we find out more about you and your book, and where can we get hold of “No Air Guitar Allowed?”

SW:  The book is available at amazon.com or directly through my website at http://www.noairguitarallowed.com

If you have any questions for Steve, I am sure he’d take time out to answer them for you.  If you have any stories about rock concerts, this side of the pond, it would be great to hear them.  Oh, and if you live in the UK, and happen to be a hot grandmother, please post a picture for evidence.

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Read more | Comments (7) | May 16th, 2009

Competition Time! Ladies and Gentlemen, LET’S PLAY DDDDAAAARRTTTSSSSSS

Posted by Jacko | Filed under Albion Arras, Competition Time, ManChat, The Great British Pub

I am very conscious of the fact that my last two posts have had elongated words in the title, but come on guys, this is darts, or DAAARRTTTTS we are talking about, here.

In last week’s post, I told you all that I will be saving the British pub, and I am a man of my word.  I told you about a local dart’s team, and how The Great Right Hope is planning to sponsor them, all true, I shit you not. 

Look, it’s all here: http://mark-jackman.com/blog/2009/04/29/iiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-one/

Therefore, www.mark-jackman.com and www.ll-publications proudly present….

THE ALBION ARRAS

 

From left to right:  Doylie, Matt, Jimmy, Al, Keith (Landlord), Big Ron and Graham.  Player bios coming to the website soon.

The official launch party of the Arras was a bit late, but what a crackerjack it still turned out to be.  The Arras played the Tap and Mallet, and, in dramatic fashion, the winner of this clash of titans was decided by the last leg, the beer leg, where the whole team plays down from 1001, winner-takes-all, shit-or-bust.  The standard of darts was electrifying, which meant it all came down to Madhouse: both teams aiming at double-one, the epitome of accuracy.  Between them, both teams managed to miss approximately thirty darts at the desired double until Ian Doyle of the Albion Arras, unleashed hell with a dart that actually went where he was aiming it.  The Albion, Loughborough, England, erupted.

It was a fantastic evening.  The Albion sells some wonderful beer, and the fans, as well as both teams, took advantage.  The atmosphere… words cannot describe the intensity.  Well, they probably could, but I don’t know many words.  The emotions a man can experience after a night of ale, darts, uncomfortably hot chilli, pool, karaoke and all male company… wow.  A picture speaks a thousand words.

Pubs will make you fell, breathe and live:

 

Passion

 

Euphoria

Irrational Anger

Constipation

Partial Nudity

 Acceptable Manlove

 Double-One Finishes

OK, so “acceptable manlove” isn’t an emotion, and nor are a few others, and double-one finishes are just a result of shit darts, but you get the point.  One night of darts and a few sociable ales can take you on an emotional rollercoaster through a modern-day gladiatorial arena.  I am not advocating binge-drinking here.  True, one of the Albion Arras had downed six pints before the start of the match, but that was just to settle his nerves, so was technically a medical necessity 

Support your local pub.  You don’t have to drink, although it helps - still yet to find an activity that isn’t as fun without beer.  That’s a good topic of conversation, actually.  Can anyone think of anything that is more enjoyable to do sober (except shaving a ball sack, especially your own)?

Brainwave!

I have been planning to run a competition for a while, now. 

CHALLENGE:  Apart from shaving pubic areas, can anyone think of something that is more fun to do sober? 

PRIZE:  The funniest answer will win themselves a genuine set of GREAT RIGHT HOPE DART FLIGHTS!  It doesn’t get much better than that!  Note: I said funniest answer.  Emergency surgery on your faithful dog is not funny, but best done sober.  I just upset myself.  A death of a dog is the only justification for male tears.

You have until Thursday the 14th, 6pm UK time to enter!  Just pop your answer on the bottom of this post.

Back to the blog.  So yeah, you don’t have to drink to enjoy darts, pool, etc.  They are great social games, unless playing in a rough-arsed pub where every item used to play barsports also doubles up as an exceptionally versatile, violent weapon. 

You are going to hear a lot more from me about how much fun pubs are and about the positive aspects of drinking.  Together, we can save the British Pub.  Calling out to the USA!  How are pubs doing over there?

There will be a page devoted to the Albion Arras, on my website.  I’ll let you know when it is up and running, so you can meet the team.  Ladies, don’t you worry; there WILL be full frontal nudity.  Anyone in the Loughborough area, the Albion Arras are at home to the Dew Drop next Thursday.  Would be great to see you all there.

H’oway the Arras!

 

 

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Read more | Comments (26) | May 7th, 2009